I was never actually abandoned by my mother, but she constantly threatened to do so when I was a boy.  ‘If you don’t behave I will send you away’ she frequently warned me. Occasionally I plucked up courage to ask her where she’d send me.  She always replied ‘to a boys’ reform school’ and described Dickensian conditions. As I grew older her threats broadened. She often told me that she’d have nothing further to do with me or cut me out of her will if I didn’t do this or that.  I don’t mind missing out on the money but I found it difficult to handle that I would never see her again.  So in spite of myself I felt  abandoned and insecure.  

After I left home I had therapy to help me deal with the way she had treated me.  I am now holding down a job that I enjoy, but I still have problems with relationships.  I get involved with girlfriends very quickly, but quite soon some of their mannerisms or habits start to annoy me. I don’t try to control them, as I’ve had too much of being controlled myself, but I’m constantly on the look out for things that irritate me and particularly for any sign that they have been cheating on me. 

I try to be subtle and ask them what they’ve done when we haven’t been together and who they’ve seen.  Mostly they see through me, get fed up with my questions and break off the relationship.  The result is I end up feeling abandoned again, the very thing I’m trying to avoid.

Children need to trust their parents not least because they depend on them so much.  So when a mother makes threats like yours has done, it’s natural for you to feel undermined and abandoned.  It’s a legacy that is hard to shake off, so it’s not surprising that you get anxious about the possibility of a relationship ending. We suggest that you start by trying to believe in yourself (see our self esteem blog).

It is a positive sign that you are looking at how you behave with girlfriends, but perhaps you could try taking it more slowly and build up trust by being friends first?

One person who has managed to cope with being abandonedas a boy is Prince Philip, who has just retired from royal duties at 96. He was born in Corfu, Greece and by the time he was ten his mother had been confined to a psychiatric clinic, his father was charged with treason and left the country, and his four sisters had married and left home.  As a result Philip spent his childhood at Gordonstoun, the tough boarding school in Scotland and in between school terms going from one relation to another.  Despite his family tragedies he managed somehow to bring himself up to be positive, dutiful and active and is adored by his wife, the Queen and respected by the community.