My mother brings out the worst in me. However hard I tell myself I will stay calm and dignified within minutes of being with her I am raging inside. I have never liked her but it took me until my late teens before I realised quite how illogical, irrational, spiteful and thoroughly nasty she was. Can you believe a mother who actually enjoys trying to break her daughter’s spirit, destroy her confidence and put her down?
Once I reached my mid twenties and took up a career as a marketing manager I had gathered enough confidence to stand my ground. But that didn’t work either as when she shouted at me, I couldn’t help but shout back. If she criticised me I would do the same to her. I think she enjoyed the battle. I hated it. Outside of my home I was a different person, calm, positive, and sociable. When I go back I transform into a mini her. The worst thing of all is that I look so much like her and when I look in the mirror I sometimes cringe.
On the advice of my friends I stopped seeing her for a few years and she made no attempt to reach out to me. She never would compromise. Then I heard that my father was very ill. I visited him as often as I could in hospital, trying but not always succeeding in leaving his bedside when my mother turned up. After he died I decided to give her a second chance. I tried my best but I couldn’t take her endless criticism. I haven’t seen her for nearly three years. Unfortunately I feel guilty and just don’t know what to do.