I haven’t dared say until now but I hate my Dad. It’s five years since I left home and I’ve worked hard on myself to cope. Since my mother died last year I’ve tried to make excuses for his behaviour. I’ve told myself that he is lonely and resentful but it remains a struggle.
The truth is he made my life at home a misery and turned me into a nervous wreck devoid of confidence. That is until I met my partner.
I recently looked up the word and the definition is: “to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward.” It’s spot on for how I feel about Dad. What particularly interests me is how powerful my feeling of hate is and how angry it makes me. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed it’s hard to think or do anything else. I worry too that the hate in my heart may push out any love I feel.
My partner has been understanding and patient and it helps that I can talk to him about it. He once asked if I’d ever loved Dad and thinking back I suppose I did when I was small because he seemed so strong and powerful but I realised when I was older that he wasn’t a good role model. Everything was about him and he lost his temper if he didn’t get his way.
At times I was so scared of him my heart would race, so perhaps all along it’s been a love-hate thing.
We've also talked about me never seeing him again but I believe waves of hate would still overwhelm me. I’ve also thought about hate a lot. For example I hate gooseberries and always avoid them. It’s simple. Why can’t I do that with my horrid parent? Or even block him from my thoughts.