I was astonished to hear on Graham Norton’s recent radio show a story about a mother who blamed her daughter for her difficult birth. It was so like my own experience that I thought I’d send you my story to help others.
My mother continually told me I had ruined her life. She apparently had a three-day labour with me that ended in a rather botched Caesarean in what sounds like a not very good hospital. It stopped her having more children and left her in considerable pain. Apparently she and my father wanted a big family and it was all my fault that she couldn’t have one. She even blamed me for my father’s early death saying his cancer was caused by sadness at only having one child. It was a very difficult time for me. Luckily some kind aunts on both sides helped me cope.
As a result I was never allowed to celebrate my birthday as a child. It caused me enormous embarrassment when I went to friends’ birthdays because I could never invite them back. In the end I stopped going to parties altogether. When I was 21, I cut off all contact with my mother as I refused to be blamed for something I had no control over.
It’s been 20 years since I talked to her during which I have married and had two children. We have birthday parties that are great fun for the children and I am always spoilt rotten when it’s my turn.
I absolutely love it, not because of the party itself but because it shows how much my husband and children care about me. Sometimes of course I feel guilty especially as I know my mother is still alive, but if she tried she could find me. She obviously doesn’t want to which is fine by me. Do you think I have made the right decision?
OUR COMMENTS
How dreadful that you have carried such a heavy burden of blame and pain for so long, along with terrible memories of not being allowed to have a proper birthday. It must, of course, have been very hard for your parents not to have the large family they wanted but it’s no reason to blame you. Nor was it your fault that sadly your father died early from cancer. Your mother’s reaction has been extreme and she’s done her best to pass her pain and sadness on to you.
As well as feeling embarrassed that you couldn’t reciprocate by inviting friends to your party you must have also felt disappointed that you had no chance to celebrate your own birthday. So it is not surprising that you chose to remove yourself from continuing to be hurt. Now that you are a mother you realise how special a birthday can be and not least a way to mark the safe delivery of a much-wanted child. It is wonderful that you found love and have a chance to cherish your own children. You have made a wise decision to stay away and can celebrate each others birthdays with as much fun and delight as you can.
