About Hate

I haven’t dared say until now but I hate my Dad.  It’s five years since I left home and I’ve worked hard on myself to cope.  Since my mother died last year I’ve tried to make excuses for his behaviour.  I’ve told myself that he is lonely and resentful but it remains a struggle. 

The truth is he made my life at home a misery and turned me into a nervous wreck devoid of confidence.  That is until I met my partner.

I recently looked up the word and the definition is: “to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward.”  It’s spot on for how I feel about Dad.  What particularly interests me is how powerful my feeling of hate is and how angry it makes me.  Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed it’s hard to think or do anything else.  I worry too that the hate in my heart may push out any love I feel.

My partner has been understanding and patient and it helps that I can talk to him about it. He once asked if I’d ever loved Dad and thinking back I suppose I did when I was small because he seemed so strong and powerful but I realised when I was older that he wasn’t a good role model.  Everything was about him and he lost his temper if he didn’t get his way. 

At times I was so scared of him my heart would race, so perhaps all along it’s been a love-hate thing.

We've also talked about me never seeing him again but I believe waves of hate would still overwhelm me.  I’ve also thought about hate a lot.  For example I hate gooseberries and always avoid them. It’s simple.  Why can’t I do that with my horrid parent?  Or even block him from my thoughts.

We recommend you read our visualization blog.

Hate can come from unresolved issues.  Perhaps you have a pile of things you’d like to say to your dad but haven’t been able to and they’ve been gnawing away at you.  Try to bring each issue to the forefront of your brain then mentally throw it out or visualize yourself putting it in the dustbin. 

You also need to tell yourself to accept what you cannot change, like  past events.  Nor can you control what your father says, thinks or does. When you are feeling calm ask yourself what you can change about the  situation.  If there is something, try it.  If there is nothing try to move on.  It is a waste of time and energy to let yourself seethe with anger and resentment over something you can’t do anything about. 

If the negative feelings keep coming back try to block them.  Or save a specific short time of your choosing during the day to think about them.  It’s a way to take control.  Another option is to write your thoughts down.  This ‘captures’ them and over time the effects of your hatred will weaken.

About Love

My Mum would fit nicely into many of the characteristics of being a horrid parent.  She continually told me I was useless that no one would want to be my friend and certainly not marry me.

Not surprisingly my confidence was rock bottom, except thata little voice regularly told me that Mum was wrong.   For much of my teenage years I kept myself to myself.  I had several acquaintances but no really close friends.

When I was sixteen most of my school mates were dating and they’d giggle in the playground about what they’d got up to.  At least that’s what I assumed. 

When boys started getting interested in me at about the same time I said to myself I couldn’t be that awful looking, But I was tongue tied when they spoke to me and didn’t know what to say.  I both did and didn’t want them to kiss me because I was scared how I would respond.  When they did it took a while before I felt anything at all as most of the time I was worried about what they might do next. 

I lost my virginity when I was 22 because you had to at some point but I was so tense and worried that it didn’t really work for me.  Instead I scrubbed myself all over when I got home. 

Most of my relationships ended within three months.  Looking back I think I chose guys who didn’t demand anything emotional from me.  That made me feel safe.  I couldn’t open up.  Nor did I want to.

Then it happened.  I fell for someone eight years older than me.  He was clever and funny and I fancied him like mad.  My head told me to be careful and not let myself go but my heart took no notice.  I was overwhelmed by my feelings which I couldn’t control.  I had had no experience of managing emotions and I became a bit possessive.

He broke off with me and for a while I was devastated.  But I gradually realised that opening myself up to love was something I really wanted and needed.  I just needed to take it more in my stride. It took a bit of practice because I was so fearful of getting hurt but I gradually realised that love fills you with hope, energy, drive and confidence so it was worth being vulnerable and shedding the occasional tears.    I lost a few nice guys on the way but I learnt a lot about how to manage a good relationship.  Something I hadn’t seen at home.

Luckily I found someone who loved me for me and to whom I could tell my story of how my mother put me down.  It was risky confiding in him but it brought us even closer together.  Ten years on I feel a different person.   My marriage is everything I wanted.  I feel relaxed, don’t have to worry about what I say and see that I have lots of good qualities that my mother chose to ignore.  It was certainly worth the risk.  

Please email us your own personal love story or share it on our forum.  We'd love to hear from you. 

Soothing Images

Unpleasant memories can be hard to handle.  They can creep into your mind as nasty images, often in the middle of the night, and won’t go away.  You may find yourself replaying over and over again an upsetting row with your horrid parent, or an argument or unpleasant encounter you experienced outside the family.

The positive news is that there is a way to try and reduce the power of these images.

It is called visualization and is a technique that uses imagery to soothe and manage painful memories.  It can work by itself or be combined with relaxation, mindfulness or meditation.

To try it out find a quiet space where you can sit comfortably, close your eyes and breathe slowly and regularly, easing your stress and tension each time you breathe out.  Do this a few times and then think of an image you find relaxing. It can be a place you have visited, or just somewhere that makes you feel safe. Maybe it’s a particular beach or a countryside view you love and relax in. 

Alternatively you can choose to visualize a painting or photograph that gives you pleasure.   Look at the details carefully or imagine yourself as part of the image.  Take you pick and see what  works for you.

If you try visualisation regularly it can help you in all sorts of ways.

Here are a couple of examples. 

Coping with a low mood.

If you feel particularly sad, choose images that help you relax and picture yourself feeling happy, perhaps with a particular friend. Alternatively think of a recent time when you felt cheerful and remind yourself that you can feel the same way again. 

Dealing with angry feelings

Think about the most relaxing and soothing image you can picture.  Perhaps travelling to a remote and peaceful beauty spot where you can unwind.

If the unpleasant images and thoughts continue, try thinking that they don’t belong to you but you are watching them on television and turn the volume down or change the channel.

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