I used to hate my mother so much I wanted to scream. I couldn’t find anything positive to say about her. I felt she had rubbished me for so long that she had blighted my life and made everything difficult. We had no emotional connection and very different values. Even if I didn’t see her for a few weeks I felt chewed up with resentment and hatred.
Things began to change after my 45th birthday earlier this year. It marked the end of my chance to have children and I asked myself what had I done with my life. I answered ‘not much’ and blamed the negative relationship I have always had with my mother. Then almost out of the blue I decided it was up to me as well to move forward and realised that my only chance of being happy and making something of my life even at this late stage was to break off any connection with her. For the first few months I felt a mixture of grief and relief. At times I was also full of anger. I had worked in sales for a long time but since my decision to leave her behind I have been more positive and last month was made a manager which makes me feel much better about myself.
I had hoped to keep a relationship going with my gentle father but unfortunately he has been so brow beaten by my mother he is not willing to meet me unless my mother comes too.
Please explain my feelings.