To Trust or Not to Trust

My wife has just had our first baby and I am not sure what to do.  Part of me is overwhelmed with love for our tiny boy but another part is tremendously anxious.  It might sound crazy but I worry about opening up to my emotions and loving him too much. 

How will I cope if, when he’s older, he lets me down?

As far back as I can remember I have never totally trusted anyone.  I am almost always on a low level alert, which shoots up to red alert at the least provocation.   I realise it is a form of self protection, which was how I  coped with my late father.  He was always letting me down and going against his word across many different areas. From offering to take me to a football match but then being too busy or helping me buy my first car,  when he claimed he was short of money.

For years the only person I relied on was myself.  I was very cautious with friends and even more so when dating girls.  I never thought I would get married because I never wanted to reveal my true feelings and needs in case I got hurt.  But then I met my current wife at work.  We slowly became friends and over time I felt increasingly comfortable with her. 

We may not be an outwardly passionate pair but we are the best of friends which is more than I ever imagined.  But having our baby is a totally different experience and I  am slightly panicking about how I feel and what I should do.   Can I get over my past and or will it haunt me for ever?

OUR COMMENT

It is natural to feel anxious about being a new dad, but your role now is to protect and cherish your baby.  The more you make him feel loved and accepted the less likely he is to let you down in the future.  We suggest you follow your behaviour when you met your wife. Give yourself time to slowly and gently get used to each other.  Trust your instincts and  enjoy learning about him.  You can also let your wife guide you.

Don’t forget that no one is perfect and that it is normal to feel a degree of disappointment especially when your child becomes a teenager.  But that is not the same as lacking trust.   

Your own father has died and can no longer hurt you.  Becoming a father yourself is your chance to accept what happened to you in the past, move on and build a fulfilling life.    

 

An Arrogant Mother

My mother is an incredible snob and the most arrogant person I know.  Despite not being  particularly well off  she thinks of herself as the ‘lady of the manor,’  and better than anyone we  know.  She has also been hugely critical of every friend of mine she’s met.

I remember a boyfriend I had when I was nineteen who was clever and funny but not particularly good looking.   My mother totally rubbished him telling me he had horrible thin lips which meant he was both ugly and nasty.   She falls out with her friends too for the most superficial reasons: like shopping at the ‘wrong’ supermarket, buying the occasional outfit from a charity shop and liking baked beans on toast.  

As for me, I am constantly bombarded with nonsense about what the right way to behave and that the reason I am still single in my thirties is because I don’t wear nail varnish on my fingernails.  ‘Men don’t like women who are unkempt’ she told me. 

I have no idea what makes her like this. Sometimes when I see her strut about like a male peacock, I have to stop myself from laughing.  It’s all so terribly phony.  Do you think it’s a front because she is so insecure inside?

 

Our comment

It sounds like you understand your mother and recognise that her pretentiousness conceals deep feelings of insecurity. It is possible that she is so ashamed of who she really is that she goes to great lengths to hide it.  Considering herself to be above others may be one way she gains some confidence. Finding her behaviour amusing is one way to help yourself cope with her as there is nothing you can do to change her.  Nonetheless be aware of her attempts to belittle and criticise you and stay true to your own desire to be authentic. 

 

Fathers' Day June 17

My father never accepted that any of his three children were ever in pain or that they’d been genuinely hurt. If any of us fell over he’d  ignore any bleeding and call us names like ‘silly softy’.  I remember once occasion when he told me my grazed, bleeding knee didn’t hurt and that I needed to grow up.  I was seven at the time.    

Once my ten-year old brother Tom fell off a climbing frame in the local park and landed awkwardly on his arm.   Dad shouted at him for always spoiling our outings.  When we got home Dad refused to let our mother ‘fuss’ over him and she didn’t dare disobey.  But once he  had left to work, Mum took Tom  to hospital and an x-ray showed he’d broken his arm.

Now we are all grown up we keep our distance .  He however tells us firmly we have to spoil him on Father’s Day. What should we do? 

We suggest that as you are already keeping your distance you can do the same for Father’s Day. You are adults now and are entitled to decide how each of you wants to mark this day. If you feel that he does not deserve to be spoiled then don’t spoil him. You can acknowledge the day with a card that has a simple message of Happy Father’s Day. If you choose to send a gift again it can be a small token that he would like. You do not have to visit unless you choose to. If you visit and he is rude or unpleasant then you could make an excuse and leave sooner.

Survival and a favour

We would like to know what has most helped you to survive and thrive  following a childhood with a horrid parent? 

Has it been connecting with people who have shown you warmth and respect; falling in love and  having a family of your own.  

Perhaps you are also very proud that you have a stimulating and successful career and this has significantly contributed to you feeling better about yourself.   Do write to us via Facebook on our website www.myhorridparent.com,  on our forum reached through the website or by email     

We’d also like to know your top three tips that has helped you survive that you would like to pass on to others. And finally was there an activity like reading, walking, listening to music that comforted you when things were bad?  

Thank you so much.

Can You Help Us?

OUR POST this week is to ask you to help us help you better.   We would like to know when you realised that your mother or father was ‘horrid.’  Was it, for  example,  a light bulb moment and if so how old were you at the time?   Or did it dawn on you slowly?   Was it seeing a warm, loving relationship between a friend and their parent that made you realise yours was very different?   Or was it through therapy?

We would also like to know what was the unkindest thing your horrid parent said or did.  Might it have been, for example, their endless criticism, that gradually wore you down and left a painful legacy.  Did they put their own needs before yours which  left you feeling unwanted and unloved?

Our website www.myhorridparent.com makes it clear that we do not include in our Horrid Parent list, parents who are strict as this type of parent can be well meaning and want their child to grow up with strong values.  We also don’t include parents who physically or sexually abuse their child.  This is a situation for the police. 

Children understandably accept their mother and father because that is all they know.  They also need to rely on them for the necessities of life.    Teenagers and adults, however,  see their parents for who they are, even if they feel unable to share their thoughts with friends because if you don’t have a horrid parent yourself it’s not easy to understand what your friend is going through. 

Please use the website on our forum, email us directly al@myhorridparent.com or use Facebook for your comments.   Feel free to be anonymous but we would like an idea of your age.  We are focusing on the wide-range of  behaviour and actions of a  horrid  mother or father.  Thank you. 

My Horrid Mother’s Voice Stays in the Back of my Mind

My late mother’s cruel words are hard to forget, even though she spoke them long ago and logically I know they are not true.  They also still make me feel guilty.

For example, if I’m in a rush to get the children to school and myself to work and we are running late because, for example, one child can’t find any clean socks and the other just remembered he had to finish some homework,  I leave the breakfast mess on the table until I get back home mid afternoon.  I can hear my mother’s disapproving voice that then echoes in my mind for some hours.  

She also insisted on clearing up as you cooked, while I have preferred to clear up in one go once I’ve finished preparing my dish.  Even now I sometimes find myself thinking about my mother’s disapproval and that she’d take advantage of the opportunity to criticise me.   I even tell myself I’d better clear up a bit half way through.

When I was in my twenties most of my friends had a live-in relationship with their partner at some point and their mother would welcome them both to the family home.    My mother would deliberately make  me feel cheap with comments like ‘you’re spoilt goods now’ or ‘when is he going to make an honest woman of you?’  When I look back I see it was one reason while that particularly relationship failed. 

I decided not to tell her about my next serious relationship until we were engaged.  Luckily I was working in France for a while so it was easy to do. 

Because I still hear her voice at the back of my brain, could you please help me get rid of these thoughts. 

Our comments:

We all absorb the words our parents use to describe us as we grow up.  For most  of us these words are largely favourable. But for those who have a horrid parent they are often critical, mean and hard to shake off.  Not surprisingly they can linger in your mind for years.  .

There are a few things that you can try that may help.  Make a note of some of the thoughts that come to you most frequently and challenge them by saying:  ‘my mother may think this of me but is there any truth to her comments?’  If, for example, you’ve left your kitchen untidy but plan to clear it up later you could say: ‘I’m doing it my way and in my time mum’ and feel proud that you have stood up to her.   Practice various responses and even shout: ‘shut up mum’ or ‘leave me alone’.

Another idea is to  use visual imagery as well as answering her back.  Try to imagine that your mother is a doll so when you hear her critical voice in your head, pick her up and put her firmly in an imaginary toy box.   Surprising as it may seem, it can really help.  

Calling You Names

For the first three decade of my life it really bothered me that my mother obviously enjoyed calling me spiteful names.  It used to get me down and make me feel really bad about myself.  I still hate it but the pain no longer lasts so long.

I was quite a bright kid and loved reading.  You’d think she’d be pleased but instead she called me ‘a geek’ and ‘weirdo’ and ‘swot.’  It took away all the pride of being top of the class.

It didn’t stop there.  If my room was untidy she’d call me ‘a pig.’  Often in front of visitors and my friends.  When I told her it was a horrible thing to do and really upset me, she’d give a phony laugh and accuse me of not having a sense of humour.   Telling her I didn’t laugh because it wasn’t funny had no effect.

By the time I left home to go to university I had a really low opinion of myself and the things that I was good at counted for nothing. 

Over the years I’ve come to realise that the name calling had very little to do with me and lots to do with her.  She is a bully and it has been her way of feeling good about herself.  It is shocking that she uses me like a punch bag to make herself feel better rather than try to deal with it herself.   

Eight years ago I told her that the name calling had to stop or I wouldn’t come and see her.  They haven’t so I just pop by around Christmas for a very short while. 

I feel guilty but it’s worked for me because I am happier, much more confident and won’t take any rudeness from anyone. 

Our comments:

Using derogatory words to put your child down is cruel and demeaning.  The person doing the name calling often pretends if is a joke or teasing, but you are right to describe is as bullying.   It is also very difficult to dismiss them and they can define us.

Well done for learning how to feel happy, take pride in yourself and refuse to tolerate her rudeness and name-calling.    We would, however recommend that you try not to feel guilty as it is certainly not your fault. 

When Your Kind Parent Dies First

I am devastated.  My kind sweet mother died two months ago and I miss her hugely.  Although she could't stand up to my father or even protect me properly from his tempestuous tempers and manipulative behaviour, she did her best.  She also made being at home bearable. 

In a way her passing was a relief.  She had been ill for some time and eventually gave up on life.  I visited her as much as I could despite living some 30 miles away and having three children and a busy job to manage.  The problem is, since her passing, my father has become even more of a nightmare.  I understand that he cared about her in his rather strange way, and that he doesn’t want to appear vulnerable.  But I can’t cope with his domineering behaviour.   He tells me I have to do his shopping and cooking now my mother has gone and will not accept any excuses. When I explain about my own demands he criticises me for being ungrateful for all he’s done for me, like sending me to a decent school.

A small part of me feels sorry for him because I know he hates being alone, but I feel I am crumbling under the pressure he is putting on me and my own grief.  My husband has suggested that I cut contact with him because we have never got on and it was only my mother that held things together, but my conscience won’t let me.  Please help.  

How sad that you have lost the mother you loved and however much a parent’s passing has been anticipated their death still comes as a shock.  Do allow yourself time to grieve and begin to come to terms with her no longer being in your life.   

Your sympathy for your father shows you have a good heart.  As your loss is so recent, it might be too early to decide to cut him out of your life.  It is a decision for the future. Meanwhile we recommend that you   put your family at the top of your priority list.  Discuss with your husband how much time and support t's reasonable for you to give your father now, and try to explain this to your father.   If he responds badly you could write to him instead. He needs to start to think about how he will manage his own life without your mother, but it is his responsibility not yours. If he makes you feels guilty this is even more reason for you to establish boundaries from the beginning.

Keeping Secrets

I decided I had a horrid mother when I was 11.  I wanted to ask a new friend round from my secondary school and didn’t know how to do so.  She came from a large family who were quite poor while I was an only child living with my parents in a three-bedroom house and didn’t want to look like a show off.  Mum noticed I was sad and went on and on and on until I told her what was worrying me.  Before I did I made her promise she wouldn’t tell anyone, but it was a promise she only kept until she’d heard my secret.  She then screamed at me.  ‘What a nasty ungrateful child you are.  Your father works so hard to give you nice things.’  She subsequently told anyone and everyone my secret.   ‘Can you believe what upset Jennie?’ she’d ask before launching into my story. ‘Have you ever met a more unappreciative child?’ I have never forgiven her.   No only did she not keep my secret she loved winkling out other people’s secrets too so she could gossip about them.

Not surprisingly I tell her the minimum possible about my life and ignore the fact that she gets extremely angry when she feels I am keeping things from her.   If an event is coming up she also demands she is told about it first.  It’s her way of trying to control me, but I’ve learnt to take no notice.  The amusing thing is if I ask her what she’s been doing the shutters come down and she is becomes extremely secretive.  To be honest I don’t really care.  I keep her at arm’s length but don’t want to totally break up the relationship. 

How sad that your mother betrayed you when you were a child, but well done for realising how badly she behaved. You obviously have had the strength of mind to keep your innermost thoughts to yourself knowing you can’t trust her, particularly as she behaves so badly to other people too. You are right to keep your distance and continue to protect yourself.  Keeping her at arm’s length and managing a minimum level of contact seems to work for you as it does to many others in a similar situation. It is not your fault that she behaves as she does and there is no need to feel guilty for the stand you take. 

Sabotage

Most fathers would encourage their sons in everything they want to do.  My father has been the opposite and tried to sabotage my life.  I am now in my mid forties and he still treats me as part child, part servant.  

In secondary school I started to learn the clarinet.  I loved it and sailed through my music exams.  I even joined a jazz group, which was great.  I also decided I’d like to take a music degree.  My father thought playing the clarinet was a waste of time  and threatened not to help me financially  or even let me come home during the uni holidays if I did what he described as a ‘stupid, irrelevant music degree.’  I felt so disheartened I gave it up and did a boring law degree.  My life improved when I  got a job in the entertainment world which gives me some satisfaction. 

I met my wife in my last year of university and initially took her home to meet my parents because I was so proud of her.  He tried to sabotage that relationship too saying I was much to young to know my mind, that I was reaching out desperately for someone because  I had no confidence and that she wasn’t much to rave about any way. 

I couldn’t stand the strain and we split for a while but a few years later we met at mutual friends, got back together and subsequently married. 

I now just about stay in touch but keep most things about my life to myself.   I still get anxious about him but my wife has encouraged me to try yoga, which I enjoy.

As well as trying to spoil my life, he also seems to sabotage his own.  He doesn’t keep friends for long because he finds fault with them over the slightest thing and subsequently cuts them out of his life.  The then grumbles about feeling lonely and puts pressure on me to visit more often, which I don’t want to do.  Any suggestions? 

You are not alone in having a horrid parent who tries to manipulate your life and disregards your own choices even though you are an adult. It’s not your fault. We suggest that you discuss with your wife how often you want to visit and stick to it however your father reacts.  If he keeps complaining suggest he joins a local club or takes up a hobby to make new friends.  But this too could  backfire on you.

It is excellent hat you can see through him and have had the strength to choose your own satisfying path.

 

An Envious Father

My father is full of envy and resentment and seems determined to make me feel guilty  when anything good comes my way.

I recently got a significant promotion at work. I thought about not telling him because I guessed he would try to spoil it, but I did in the end because I knew my mother would be delighted  and didn’t want her not to know.  I was particularly pleased about timing of my increased salary as it will make it easier for me to stop renting, get a mortgage and a foothold on the property ladder.

My mother beamed with pride when I told them my news but father looked shocked.  His first comment was to tell me I’ll no doubt waste my money on exotic holidays which he’d never been able to do when he was my age.  When I explained I intended to use it to buy a small house he stuttered with anger and asked why I needed a house,  when  I didn’t even know that my wife and I could have a child.  It was a shocking comment which he elaborated by telling me yet again how difficult his own life had been when he was young and he had to scrimp and save to buy enough to eat let alone buy a home.

I understand his life was difficult and he finds it hard to move on, but it not my fault.   Most fathers would be encouraging and very proud that their only son was doing well.  His envious attitude really puts me off going home, but I like to see my mother.  She does her best and tries to soothe him but it usually ends with him sulking. 

It is a shame that your father remains so resentful about his own start in life and doesn’t take pleasure in your achievements.  Your mother, on the other hand sounds caring and supportive.  Could you perhaps see her   on her own outside the home, or arrange to visit when your father might be out.

You’re unlikely to change his attitude or behaviour at this stage in his life.  

Meanwhile you need to protect yourself from his attempts to put you down.  Can you talk about him to your wife?  Her understanding will be  very helpful, especially as you don’t have siblings.

It also might help you if you anticipate that he will be unkind during your visit.  Don’t take it personally and try not to feel guilty about him. 

 

 

A Submissive Mother

My mother’s role in life is to defend my father under any circumstances.

He is never wrong and she always puts his needs first.  In return he is self-centered, unkind and even cruel.  It would be different if they didn’t have any children but they do.  My older sister and I have put together a list of things our mother has repeatedly told us for over thirty years.

You should do what you father tells you.  He is your father after all.

Your father is far too kind to say something like that.

Your father loves you really, he doesn’t mean it.

We have this meal every weekend because your father likes it.

I cannot come and look after your children while you have flu because your father likes me to be home when he gets back from work.

You cannot come and visit because your father doesn’t like noisy children.

If one of us visit them we can’t wait to leave.  Our father is a stickler for timing and meals must be served on the dot.  He even goes ahead  if I’ve rung to say the traffic has been terrible and I’ll be a few minutes late.  As well as being unpleasant to us he always gloats at the power he wields over our mother.  We cringe with how compliant she is in return.  We can’t believe she loves him, but she won’t hear a word of criticism and is totally submissive.  It makes us feel that we just don’t count.  The good thing is that we have the same views about their relationship and how they behave with us and each other much needed support.

Can you explain what it is all about?

It’s very hard to understand the relationship between your parents when  your mother is so submissive and your father so controlling and harder to believe she can love him.  Your mother may be staying because he is such a bully, through a sense of duty,  or she feels she has no alternative.  It’s also no surprise you have a mass of strong feelings and it’s sad that your mother’s lack of emotional honesty towards you and your sister has left you feeling bereft. 

You may also be right that your parents would have been better without children, particularly as they haven’t seized he opportunity to change once they became grandparents.  It is their loss.

You are unlikely to alter the attitude of either parent but if you take a step back you could perhaps see that your mother is trapped and unable/unwilling to change because she doesn’t have the emotional or financial capacity to act differently.

Your parents don’t seem to want you to be close so we suggest you focus on your positive loving relationship with your sister and new families.  It will help you feel stronger and build your confidence. 

A story of neglect

'It took me decades to finally realise that I had been neglected by my mother and just as long to try to overcome the affect it has had.

As a child I never climbed into her bed for a morning  hug nor do I remember walking down the street holding her hand.  New clothes were extremely rare and then I had to wear them until the T-shirts and jumpers didn’t reach my waist and I couldn’t do my skirts or trousers up before I’d get a replacement.

She’d even take away my plate if I didn’t eat quickly enough saying she had no time to wait for me to finish and in any case she didn’t want me to get fat.  Nor was she around much.  She was keen to keep up with new films and plays and her friends and barely stayed in.  My father was around a little more but he too was busy.  I mostly felt invisible at home. 

Luckily I was quite bright and did well enough at school to go to a good university and build a stable career.  Initially I felt guilty about buying myself new clothes, then I went on a binge and bought far too much but finally  reached a balance by buying something new each season without going crazy. 

The emotional effect on me has been more difficult to handle.   

I find it difficult to trust people and when I do I become quite needy and worry that if I give of myself I might get hurt.   I’m hopeless at parties as I think no one would really want to talk to me and when the person I am talking to looks beyond me to find someone more interesting I want the floor to open up underneath me.  It’s also embarrassing when friends show me photo albums of their childhood as there are hardly any photos of me as a child and they are just kept loose in a box.    

Things changed in my late thirties when one of my divorced colleagues  took me out to dinner.  He has custody of his two children who had by chance also suffered from a mother who had neglected them.   The children and I clicked when we met.  Perhaps we instinctively felt each other’s need and over time have  formed a strong bond.   By focusing on their needs rather than mine I became stronger and more confident.   Their father and I married two years ago and  I don’t remember ever being happier.  I even believe that he loves me as much as he appreciates my relationship with the children.   Yet in spite of all this I sometimes feel empty inside and that I don’t deserve their love.  How can I stop these feelings?'

 

 

 

You have managed to overcome a neglectful childhood which is a terrific achievement. You have also found a man who loves you for yourself and this has helped you understand your past and be close to his children.  Bu it's understandable that your past can still haunt you. . 

We suggest that you write down some of the sad moments you remember from your childhood together with positive statements like: ‘I didn’t deserve to be ignored over this’ or ‘I was loveable and shouldn’t have been pushed aside’.  This should help you believe in yourself and deserve to be loved. 

Easter and Passover

The festivals of Easter and Passover coincide this year.   One key thing they have in common is that they can both cause tension within the family.   Another is the use of eggs.  For Easter they are made of chocolate.  For Passover they are natural, hard boiled and represent the beginning of life.

Practising Christians usually go to church over Easter.  While others tend to see the four-day break as a family occasion, when they eat hot cross buns together, exchange presents of chocolate  eggs and organise an egg hunt if there are small children.  For those with a horrid parent any present giving is a source of stress and an opportunity for the horrid parent to put you down.  For example, the chocolate may be the wrong brand or a deliberate act on your part to make your horrid parent put on weight, or that t is inferior to one bought by their favourite member of the family.   It can help you cope if you accept in advance that whatever you do might be wrong.

WE SUGGEST

It’s up to you to decide how you’d like to mark Easter.  You could ring the family, send a card, or visit your family and give them a present.  You can equally ignore it completely. Work out, perhaps with an understanding friend or partner, how your parent might behave and be ready for any eventuality.   You could also have an escape plan so if the atmosphere is bad you can suddenly remember where you need to be and politely take your leave. 

Passover is the favourite festival for most Jews.  It involves a different diet and no bread and  requires lots of preparation.   

The eve of the eight-day festival is celebrated by what is called Seder night.  This is traditionally a time when the family gather together to tell the story of the Exodus of Jews from Egypt where they had been Pharaoh’s slaves.  It’s full of symbolism with different foods representing aspects of the story.  It is also a time to think of those people around the world who are still slaves or unable to be free.  In addition there is also a lavish meal.   The first course is a hard boiled egg in salt water which represents the tears of both those who were and still are slaves.   It can be a tense occasion if some family members are less interested in the story  than others.  Mothers, who often do most of the work don’t always feel appreciated and old grievances can rise to the surface. 

WE SUGGEST

It’s a time to take a deep breath, be tolerant, help out and accept Passover only comes round once a year. 

Try Spring Cleaning Your Thoughts

If your horrid mother is putting pressure on you to spring clean your house, why not instead try to spring clean your thoughts.  Spring is a good time to make changes as there is blossom on the trees, the weather is getting warmer, the days are longer and we usually have more energy. 

Think through two or three characteristics your mother has that have upset or angered you the most.  Write them down without worrying how you are expressing yourself, then either fold up the piece of paper and put it away or screw it up and throw in the bin.   This  should help clear your brain.

If, however, you find it hard to let go of painful memories imagine putting them into a box, sealing the lid and putting the box at the back of a high cupboard.  You can bring your box down should you want to but you will be more in control of your painful  memories rather than let them be in charge of you.  

If your mother regularly tries to undermine you, block the thought until you feel calm and positive. Allow her characteristic to linger for a minute or two, then force it out of your mind.  If at first this is too difficult, give yourself a time during the day to think about it.  This again helps you be more in control.  

It's possible that your consciousness may play up and a negative thought will pop into your mind when you are feeling low, or in the middle of the night when people are at their most vulnerable.  Keep a piece of paper and a pen by the side of your bed and write yourself a note to think about it in the morning once you have got up.  You will be in a better mood to cope.     

If you have been holding on to a resentment for a while, early spring is a good time to try to let it go.  Ask yourself why you are holding on to it when it is cluttering up your mind in a negative way.  Then find a way to move on, be constructive and  replace your resentment by doing something new.   Perhaps take up a new hobby, take a walk in the country or/and and see friends. 

Don’t think badly about yourself.  However much your mother might criticise you, tell yourself that no one is perfect and everyone has faults.  It’s important to accept who you are and try to learn from your experiences. 

See our Coping page for more helpful hints. 

Have I inherited my horrid mother's traits?

I worry that I have some similar characteristics to my awful mother.

It’s a feeling that has increasingly grown now that I have been away from home and can view my childhood more objectively. 

I can be impatient, see the negative in both situations and people, have a sharp tongue and even, and I am ashamed to say,  often feel resentful and  inclined to take it out on people who are close to me and sometimes even my lovely husband. I also worry I could behave badly with my two young children, although I haven't yet.   I can also be impulsive and if a friend says something rather tactless or lets me down I want to drop them and end the friendship immediately.

The good side is that I am trying to work on it.  When I feel I am about to lose my temper I force myself to count to at least 25 and usually my rage diminishes a little.  I can't yet stop myself from noticing people’s faults, but I now try to think through their good points too and tell myself no one is perfect.  I’ve also chosen a lifestyle that suits me and makes me feel content.  I have a good balance between work and being a mother, which cuts back on any instinctive grievance. 

But it really bothers me that I have these characteristics at all, because I didn’t like my mother, do my best not to be like her and  so want my children to grow up loving me.

We can’t help the characteristics we are born with and as you say no one is perfect. It is what you do with the aspects of yourself you don’t particularly like that counts.  Try thinking of them as  muscles and if you don’t use them they diminish in power.  It’s good that you are aware which characteristics remind you of your mother and have some strategies to help you. 

It’s understandable that you are particularly sensitive to these traits but everyone has some traits they dislike.    

Finding a life you enjoy will diminish the chances of you being negative.

You are obviously aware of your faults and are doing the best you can to stop them spoiling your life.   If you raise your children with love and are able to apologise when you’ve been angry, it won’t affect their love for you.   

There are more tips to help you on our website’s Coping page. 

Mother's Day

Help! It’s nearly Mother’s Day and I don’t know what to do. 

My mother makes it obvious that she doesn’t like me and that whatever I do is wrong.  I don’t want to buy her flowers, chocolates or send a loving card.  If I do past experience tells me she will say something like:  ‘surely you didn’t waste your money on this? You know full well that I think cut flowers need too much looking after,’ or ‘chocolates make me fat, especially this brand.’   

But if I don’t mark it in some way she’s likely to say: ‘Everyone else’s daughter is buying their mother something nice.  I’ve always known you were a disappointment.’  Or compare me unfavourably with my brother who in her eyes does everything right.  Last year she said rather menacingly: ‘ I had a beautiful card from your brother…now I know who really loves me’.  The fact is that it is true.   I don’t love her and he does.  The problem is I’d feel so guilty if I didn’t get her something. 

Be prepared that whatever you do is likely to be wrong and your mother can seize it as an opportunity to criticise you.  Choosing to ignore the day, which after all, is over commercialised, can trigger a row and may be used by your mother for years to come as an example of how thoughtless and ungrateful you are. 

 

Even choosing the right card is fraught with problems.  For some difficult mothers a card decorated with hearts and flowers and addressed to ‘the best mother in the word’ is the least you can do.

If they have shown you little love or support during and beyond your childhood buying a card like that may stick in your throat.  In which case it’s best to buy a card with simple words that are not too effusive.

However you decide to handle the day do remember that you don’t have to do what you have always done.  You can change both your mind and your behaviour and you don’t need to justify it.   Don’t visit and make a fuss of her if you don’t want to and don't feel guilty about your decision.  But do remember to steel yourself for her to react unpleasantly.  Check out the Coping page on our website for some tips on how to protect yourself.

Confidence tips for International Women's Day

Be yourself.  You don’t have to look same as the people you know or agree with what they say.   Be who you want to be even if people tease you and try to make you feel embarrassed.  Standing up for who you are will help you feel stronger and able to make decisions without worrying what other people think.  The more comfortable you feel about yourself the stronger you are likely to be.

Find a role model.  This can be a member of your family, a teacher, a neighbour, celebrity, sports person or anyone you admire.  Work out what you like about them and if they are well known, read their story.  Many successful people have had difficult backgrounds, health issues or some form of set-back.  It can help your confidence to learn how they coped. 

Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help.  If you don’t understand something or are doing something for the first time, asking for help is better than going ahead and doing something wrong.  This applies to both work and personal life.  Most people are keen to share their experience.  Approaching them to find our what you need to know will help build your confidence.

Find something you really care about. This can be a sport, dancing, drawing, following fashion or even developing an interest in politics.  It will give you something to talk about and provide a  basis for friendship.  Being keen on something helps you feel positive and your passion could even turn into job and career.

Be involved.  Being interested in the world will help expand your horizons.  Talking to people who are unlike your friends can introduce you to different ways of life, including values food and people.  It's worth stepping out of your comfort zone.  Feeling comfortable in an unusual setting will help build your confidence and face new challenges with enthusiasm rather than fear.  

 Don’t let setbacks get the better of you. Life doesn’t always  go smoothly and everyone makes mistakes and faces  disappointment.   Think of your mistakes as a learning opportunity.  Then put them behind you.  Overcoming an obstacle will make you stronger and more focused.  Every time the negative voice in your head tells you you’ve failed make sure you bring out your positive voice to tell you it will all be alright. 

These tips are based on the women who shape our world today from Edwina Dunn, Founder of The Female Lead.

Awkward about compliments?

I didn’t grow up with compliments as part of my life.  In fact I can’t ever remember my mother praising me.  Whatever I did was never good enough and the effect of her negative behaviour has left scars.  One of which is that I don’t know how to accept a compliment, or what to say.   I know in theory they are supposed to make you happy and build your confidence but I just feel embarrassed.  Sometimes I even push the compliment back to whoever has given it to me and say ‘not really’ or ‘I don’t think so,’ which can seem very ungracious.  A work colleague once said they wished they were more like me because I always seemed so calm and organised.  Instead of saying ‘thank you’  I  told her I wasn’t either of those things and they had got me wrong.  She looked so awkward, even crestfallen that I felt really unkind.   

When various male friends have given me flowers, or told me I look really nice in  what I'm wearing, or that I have a good figure, I  feel self conscious and that I don’t deserve it.  It’s nonsense really because deep down I know compliments are lovely. But my instinct is to reject them, perhaps to protect myself.  What I need to know is whether this is a common legacy of having a horrid parent and how should you behave when someone compliments you? 

Many people find it hard to accept compliments, particularly if they have low self-esteem, and it can often be a legacy of having a horrid parent.  They will particularly feel uncomfortable if they have been brought up to believe they are unattractive and someone says they are good looking.  It can seem to be such a contradiction that it must be untrue.

Compliments can also put pressure on people.  If their boss tells them they have done a great piece of work, they may feel that this is now the standard they always have to reach and they worry they won't be able to. 

Our suggestion is to start by trying to build up your self worth.  Bring to mind the things you are good at while blocking out your horrid parent’s negative views.   

You could also try a stock reply such as ‘thank you’ or ‘that’s kind of you’. Or even  return the compliment.

When you receive a compliment it maybe also help to have a neutral thought like “this person is being kind to me” and try not to let it trigger a sense of insecurity.

Do also look at the Coping pages of our website for more ideas.