Waves of Resentment

Waves of Resentment

Very few people know I had a horrid mother and despite it I think I’ve managed to live my life quite well.   My eyes were open to her nasty sides when I was eighteen and realised that her aim was to put me down, destroy my confidence and belittle whatever I achieved.  

I told myself repeatedly that I was made of sterner stuff and worked hard to see how others lived and turn my miserable childhood into something positive.  I also chose not to talk about my childhood experiences as I felt it could turn me into a victim.  Nor did I want anyone to feel sorry for me. 

 By the time I had a satisfying career in medicine and got married in my late  thirties I believed I had left my past behind me. I had told my husband that I didn’t get on with my mother but rarely related examples of her vile behaviour.  It was important for me to move on. I never got pregnant which I thought at the time was quite a good thing as I was worried in case I became my mother.  

I managed to maintain a very loose relationship with her.  I was relieved when she died about fifteen years ago and have never once visited her grave. My father, who was a kind man, died some time before her.

 But it hasn’t been as straightforward as I thought.  Waves of resentment sometimes overwhelm me, particularly when I see two or three generations of a family together enjoying themselves and accepting each others’ faults.  My mother fell out with both her own and my father’s family and my husband was an only child so we don’t have other relations to turn to.  I also resent that I had such a tough time when I was young. I  hate feeling like this and don’t want to bring it out into the open.

 I came across your great website quite by chance and wonder if you could offer some suggestions to help me deal with them. Please don’t tell me to go see a therapist.  I don’t want to dig everything up from so long ago.  I am strong and would like to manage this on my own.  

 OUR THOUGHTS:

Well done - you have succeeded in your aim to survive and have a positive life on your terms. It must have taken great courage and determination. Unfortunately coming to terms with having had a horrid parent who made your childhood so unhappy is never easy. The families you observe tolerating each others faults are unlikely to have suffered your sort of pain. It’s much easier to cope with everyday ups and downs within a family if each member love and respect each other enough. Sadly it is not something that underpinned your childhood.

It sounds as if you have stored away your mother’s hurtful comments and behaviours but not been able to resolve them. It means they can at times spill into your current life and make you feel very resentful. Some people benefit from talking to a therapist but this option is not for you. However the pain you are experiencing inside suggests that you need to find a way of dealing with it as it won’t go away of it’s own accord. Otherwise you remain stuck within your relationship with your mother.

You could try to help yourself by making several lists. One: of your achievements big and small. Two: your personal attributes and the names of any role models who have supported you over the years like teachers, mentors and friends. Three: the names of your loved ones who value and appreciate you. This should help you realise you are a good person and have moved far away from being like your mother. Try to accept this reality.

Next you need to look at painful episodes you experienced. Jot down, as slowly as you like, every one of her unkind comments or nasty behaviour you can remember. It should not only help you see the extent of her bullying, but also begin to free you from the hurt. If this works for you try to make your story into a more coherent whole. It may help you gain some understanding of why she behaved like as she did. This will help you get some perspective.

If you feel strong enough after all this try to have an imaginary conversation with your mother telling her exactly what you think of her and why. You could even role-play an apology. Alternatively jot down examples of her bad behaviour and release your pain through physical exercise. Hitting a punch bag hard with a particular memory in mind can help.

Meanwhile do use your strength to move on and find the fulfillment you deserve.

A Threatening Mother

My mother has been threatening me on and off since childhood.  If I didn’t do what she wanted when I was a child she would say I couldn’t go to a party or even celebrate my own birthday when it came around.  When I finished uni she threatened that if I left home before I got married – I’m nearly 60 and in those days you didn’t – she would write me out of her will.  More recently she’s said that if I refuse to do her shopping she will tell ‘everyone’ that I don’t care if she starves to death.  On and on the threats have gone.  Despite being irrational and completely over the top they still sometimes wound me.    

Fortunately mostly I can cope.  It’s a bit like surfing a verbal wave every month or so.  The change came a few months ago when I became a grandmother myself. It somehow made me decide that enough was enough and I would no longer put up with her threats. 

I told her so quite calmly and simply.  I know she is furious but I suspect she is also rather afraid.   

I am not sure of what to do next.  Can you offer some ideas? 

OUR COMMENTS 

It is not easy to stand up to a bully but it sounds as if you have found a way.  You have also sensed it’s made a difference in your mother’s behaviour.  So stand your ground and capitalise on your progress. Think about the sorts of demands that she is likely to make and work out your   boundaries. For example if she doesn’t ask you politely to do something, you won’t be available. You could also decide in advance what tasks you are willing to carry out and those that you feel are unreasonable.  Prepare some careful and calm replies to potential scenarios so you can talk gently but firmly to her.  If, for example she starts threatening you, tell her you are ending the phone call or offer to drop round to see  her later.  It might also help if you could find someone who could share some of the responsibility for her shopping and other needs.   

Try not to worry if she threatens to bad mouth you to other family members or even neighbours as they are likely to know what she is like.  If they do take her side, have as little to do with them as possible and tell yourself it is their loss.   

It must be wonderful to be a grandmother and feel the joy of a loving  relationship.

 

 

My Mother The Credit Card Thief

It’s almost unbelievable but I found myself overdrawn at the bank because my mother has been using my credit card details to buy things for herself on Amazon. 

She lives comfortably and she is still working so I assume she is not short of money.  Even worse, she didn’t mention a word about it to me.  It was desperately embarrassing as my bank called about being overdrawn and I told them firmly that it wasn’t possible.  I was really shocked when I looked on line and assumed that my account had been hacked.   

The only way I found out she was the culprit was when I told her what had happened during our weekly phone call. I’m always looking for something innocuous to say to pass the time and this seemed as good a subject as any.   

She listened then said: ‘Ah that was me. I couldn’t find my card so I used the details on yours.’  It took a great deal of effort to keep my voice calm, because I know from my childhood if I shouted she would shout back much louder.  Instead I said I looked after my expenditure very carefully and would have appreciated knowing what she was doing in advance.  She laughed and said it was about time I paid some things for her after all she did for me when I was small.  

I have acquired a new credit card, which I am not telling her about and make sure it is never on view.  But fancy not even apologising.  But then she is never in the wrong.  

OUR COMMENTS: 

It must be deeply shocking to realise the extent to which your horrid parent can’t be trusted. Sadly this can happen all too often when a parent has an over inflated sense of their own entitlement and disregards their offspring.  They may casually use their child’s money, take items from their room or home, or even someone else’s belongings, often using the  ridiculous justification that the person it belonged to ‘wasn’t looking after it properly’.  

You are fortunate that your mother admitted her theft - for that is what it is – a horrid parent like her will usually react very badly to being found out and challenged.  

You have also done well to manage your mother by selecting topics of conversation that should avoid trouble, as well as staying calm when she laughed in response to your request to be told in advance about using your money.  It reflects how well you are coping.

Do remind yourself that you don’t owe your parent anything beyond common courtesy.

 

Unfair Parents

I know it sounds childish to complain you are not being treated fairly by your parents when you are already a parent yourself, but that’s how I feel.  

I am the third of four children and being honest the most ordinary.  My two brothers and sister are high flyers and one is quite a celebrity.  They’ve married society people have beautiful children and made our parents proud.   

I on the other hand have had mental health issues and have been very depressed several times in my life. At times it’s been a real struggle managing and made life harder for me than it has been for them.  On the other hand I am quite proud of myself.  I hold down a job and have a girlfriend who really cares about me and can cope when I feel down.  I do however earn a fraction of what my siblings take home because I am careful not to put myself under too much pressure.  

I am grumbling because my parents are now at an age when they are thinking about planning for the future. They have given my brothers and sister a very generous amount of cash and have told them their paintings and pottery collection is to be divided between the three of them.  So far I haven’t been included in this generosity, which would really help me buy a small flat.  My siblings who are not unkind offered to speak to my parents on my behalf but I decided to address it myself.  It took a lot of courage.  Their response was that I wasn’t married, had no children and hadn’t done particularly well for myself so they weren’t sure I deserved their help.  It was breathtakingly awful, made me feel very vulnerable and I don’t know what to do.   

OUR COMMENTS 

It is not childish to recognise and resent being unfairly treated, especially by ones parents.  In theory all parents should do their best to love all their children equally and unconditionally and some believe that a child who needs more help should get it. Do you ever wonder if your parents would have been so uncaring if you had had a physical disability rather than mental health problems?

You have done incredibly well to support yourself and cope and live with your difficulties. Your siblings sound sympathetic too so in future it might be worth exploring your situation with them rather than tackling your unkind and thoughtless parents. In some families where the parents overtly favour some siblings over the others, they get together to pool any financial gifts and divide the sum equally.  

Today is World Mental Health Day, which is designed to raise awareness of how people can suffer and what resources and support they may need. This year the theme is how to support young people’s mental health in a changing world. You might find some of the material being published helpful.

 Do stay on top of your progress and try not to let your parents’ behaviour get you down. Take pride in what you have achieved as they have probably taken more effort than your siblings’ achievements.

 

 

The Silent Treatment

I am a 48-year-old man holding down a senior position in the financial world and my mother still treats me like a child.  A key memory of my childhood is of her not speaking to me, sometimes for several days at a time if I displeased her in any way.  Often I wouldn’t know what I had done wrong.  If I asked, she’d not reply.  As a result there was often a terrible atmosphere at home.    

She didn’t speak to me for two weeks after my wedding for some slight she won’t discuss.  My wife thought it might have been something to do with the table plan as we chose not to have a top table in case she caused trouble.  I asked my late father at the time if he knew what was wrong but he wasn’t in the least helpful and said the usual: “well, you know what she is like?”   My wife and I call it The Silent Treatment. 

She remains unable to discuss things in an adult way.  I wouldn’t take any notice except for the fact that she is now quite elderly and lives alone.  If she doesn’t return my calls I worry about what might have happened to her.  I try to ring at least once a week and pop round to see her every fortnight.  I keep both quite short to avoid confrontation. She gets cross if I change dates or times, but this is sometimes unavoidable due to work commitments. 

 Any tips on how I can manage this?

 OUR COMMENTS 

It is really hard to manage a horrid parent who refused to communicate and it gets tougher as they age. She is obviously trying to punish you but you seem to be managing pretty well communicating regularly but briefly.   

It might help if you could start a gentle conversation with her about  what options of support she might need as she grows older.  It won’t be easy and is likely to need several attempts. She may totally resist a logical conversation but it is important for you to try. A good start is for you to find out about local schemes that provide services such as a personal alarm system for the elderly. You haven’t let us know if you have siblings as it would be a good idea to talk it through with them and perhaps her friends and neighbours.   

Ultimately though this is her life and she needs to choose any plans.  If she refuses to discuss the matter we feel there is no reason for you to change your arrangements. Her lack of response may well be to raise your anxiety and manipulate you into visiting her. 

In addition you should continue to be firm and clear about your work commitments when you have to adjust your visits. Remind yourself that her treatment of you is very childish and unkind and her behaviour is not your fault.

Control Freak Mother-in-Law

CONTROL FREAK MOTHER IN LAW

My mother-in-law is a control freak and now she and her daughter, my wife Sue (not her real name) seem to have ganged up on me, which is very undermining.

I knew she was difficult from the start but never imagined it would go this far. For example she ‘helped out’ with the décor of our first flat, saying Sue was ‘much too busy.’ I am not that interested in colour schemes so I didn’t mind, but I don’t want it to look like a mini version of her home. When Sue got pregnant we made the mistake of revealing that the baby was a girl and she bought loads of clothes before she was born. No questions asked. She came to the hospital when my wife went into labour and supervised both Sue and the nurses. I felt very left out as I’d hoped it would be an intimate occasion between Sue and me.

She then moved in with us to do the night feeds and cook us dinner. We were both nervous new parents and appreciated her being helpful but she stayed for a month instead of a few days and I was barely involved. I was so relieved when she left. I do like her and it’s not that she hasn’t anything else to do. She’s also a successful business woman and has plenty of friends. Four months ago we employed a day nanny as my wife went back to work. Her job involves going abroad fairly regularly for about a week at a time. The first time Sue travelled since our daughter was born, she told me she wanted her mother to bath our daughter, put her to bed and then stay the night in case she woke up. She added that I was such a heavy sleeper I wouldn’t not hear her if she cried. I felt put down and had five awkward evenings making small talk with my mother-in-law when I would have preferred to have been with my daughter on my own. The second time Sue went away she made the same arrangement but I suggested to my mother-in-law that I could manage the bedtime routine. She flew into a rage and was very rude to me. Sue and I discussed the matter and finally agreed her mother would bath the baby and put her to bed in case I was late from work, but not stay the night.

I am sort of okay with that but my mother-in-law is now very uncommunicative and obviously still angry. I’ve asked Sue to speak to her again but I don’t think anything has come of it.

OUR COMMENTS:

Communicating well with you mother-in-law and your wife is going to be very important in this situation. You now have the measure of your mother-in-law and need to establish some very clear boundaries. Before either of you speak to her again you need to think carefully about the role you want as a father and discuss this with your wife so you can talk through any concerns and be on the same page. Working out a clear negotiated plan is key for any new family. Perhaps Sue thinks her mother is more reliable than you, so you need to make sure you show you are responsible and dependable.

As your mother-in-law seems ready to step in to cover any gaps regardless of what you think or feel you need to be on your guard and several steps ahead. This way you can anticipate when she might be needed and think them through in advance. If you and Sue agree a plan it’s much easier to be firm and clear with her mother. You should also show your appreciation when she offers help. Your new daughter is also her grandchild and being clear about her role and visits should be reassuring to her as well as helpful to you and your wife.

Tactless and Rude

Tactless and Rude

My mother is acutely embarrassing and the least subtle person I know. It’s bad enough when she complains about my cooking in front of my husband and children ‘Is it something the dog turned down?’ Or that my new hairstyle ‘just doesn’t suit you.’

She has no qualms about criticizing someone out loud when we are on a bus together or in a restaurant. ‘That woman shouldn’t order a dessert,’ she’s said more than once about a woman sitting at a nearby table. ‘She’s far too fat as it is.’

Once when she was staying overnight she walked straight into our bedroom without even knocking. When I told her off she said she wanted to speak to me and didn’t do anything wrong.

Sometimes she’s so tactless I worry that someone will come up to her and punch her in the face. I’ve tried to speak to her about this by asking her to lower her voice when she wants to be rude about a stranger and have even persuaded her to have a hearing test. But she thinks her opinion counts. She also nearly ruined my relationship with my husband. We hadn’t been going out together for long when I took him to a family wedding. My mother told me loudly at the ceremony that his tie didn’t match his shirt. I wanted to disappear. He was very generous about it all and now fifteen years later he even laughs about it now and then, but it still makes me cringe.

What on earth can I do about her?

Our comments:

A tactlessly outspoken parent is a very common issue but there are no easy answers. Something you’ve found out for yourself as whatever you have tried doesn’t make any difference.

We can suggest two ways of handling your mother’s criticism of you. One is for you and your family to distance yourselves from her. The other is to try to develop a thick impenetrable skin. It would also help if you accepted that this is what she is like, which doesn’t reflect on you in any way.

It’s harder to deal with your mother’s rude comments to others because you have no control of your mother or the person she is insulting. She is lucky that so far no one has responded aggressively to her. Your attempts to moderate her comments will only result in her trying to justify herself and/or become angry with you. We suggest you assess each situation as it arises by asking yourself whether it’s worth getting involved and if so what you should say. For example if she is rude to a waitress you could set an example by being kind or even apologise to her. If, as a result, you find yourself in the firing line you should let it go, tell yourself you are never going to change her and avoid being out with your mother as much as possible.

Hate

I used to hate my mother so much I wanted to scream.  I couldn’t  find anything positive to say about her.  I felt she had rubbished me for so long that she had blighted my life and made everything difficult.  We had no emotional connection and very different values. Even if I didn’t see her for a few weeks I felt chewed up with resentment and hatred.  

Things began to change after my 45th birthday earlier this year.  It marked the end of my chance to have children and I asked myself what had I done with my life.  I answered ‘not much’ and blamed the negative relationship I have always had with my mother.  Then almost out of the blue I decided it was up to me as well to move forward and realised that my only chance of being happy and making something of my life even at this late stage was to break off any connection with her.  For the first few months I felt a mixture of grief and relief.   At times I was also full of anger. I had worked in sales for a long time but since my decision to leave her behind I have been more positive and last month was made a manager which makes me feel much better about myself.  

I had hoped to keep a relationship going with my gentle father but unfortunately he has been so brow beaten by my mother he is not willing to meet me unless my mother comes too.   

Please explain my feelings.

 OUR COMMENTS: 

Hate is such a powerful emotion it can overwhelm us and, if we let it, dominate our lives.  It can also keep us stuck in the past and full of resentment.  

You’ve done well to realise this and that it is up to you to manage your life after the damage your mother has caused. Taking control has enabled you to move away from hate and begin to understand the feelings behind it. You have grieved the fact that your mother hasn’t loved you.  Felt relief that she doesn’t dominate you any more and been angry with her about the way she has treated you and that your child-bearing days are past.

Your growing confidence is a result of you dealing with what happened in your childhood. This has been reflected in your promotion at work.  Relish this positive change in yourself and think about how you can build some leisure activities that you will enjoy. Try to make some new friends as well as keep up with ones of long-standing. Surround yourself with people who show they care about you.

 It is sad that your father feels unable to see you on his own but you could think about other ways of staying in contact with him, like a regular phone call, that would suit you both.

Criticised in Advance

I waited  until I was four months pregnant before telling my mother I was going to have a baby.  I am a late mother as I didn’t find the right man until my late thirties and then I had various fertility issues.  My husband and I are thrilled and you  might think my mother would be too as, if all goes well, the baby will be her first grandchild.

But no.  She has behaved as she has always done by immediately finding a way of criticising me about something that hasn’t yet happened.  She said she pitied the baby having me for a mother as he/she would have a problem getting fed because I didn’t like getting out of bed in the morning. She added for good measure that she never saw me as a mother as I was part of the ‘me’ generation who only thought about myself.

I was so shocked and couldn’t stand up for myself.  I am very emotional about the whole experience and I spent the rest of the day in tears.

My husband did what he could to reassure me and suggested I stay away from her for the rest of the pregnancy and not risk her being nasty again.

Frankly I don’t know what to think. 

Our comments:

It’s a shame your hopes that being  pregnant would help your relationship with your mother  have been dashed. And the way she has responded shows she is unlikely to change her behaviour. So you need to think about how you are going to manage this and protect yourself and your family.

Your husband suggests you stay away until after the baby is born.  Or you could try reducing the number of your visits and calls. 

 

 

 

It’s an awful experience to be criticised for something you haven’t done and have no intention of doing.  But a horrid parent often anticipates behaviour they think their child might do, even when they are adult, without the slightest indication they will.  Instead they see it as an opportunity to undermine their child with a list of what they must not do.  

Pregnancy is a particularly emotional time so be kind to yourself and try to build up your self-confidence.  Keep telling yourself that her criticism is totally different from a parent who would offer helpful advice and guidance. And try to stay wary.  Don't expect her nastiness to stop and remember it is not your fault that your mother is so critical.

 

An Unexpected Fuss

Saying my father wasn’t a sympathetic type is an understatement.  He even told me to ‘man up’ and ‘get over it’ before I went to primary school. 

He even said 'don't make a fuss' when I fell and broke my arm.  He behaved in the same way each time I had flu and a high temperature. As a result I learnt to keep physical pain to myself and emotional aspects of my life too.  But I eventually managed to distance myself from my father who has become worse as he’s got older.   

Surprisingly enough all this changed a few months ago when some builders made a mess of some new tiling in my flat. I went ballistic and shouted and swore at them.  They apologised, redid the work and cut the charges.  I didn’t feel triumphant.  Instead I kept asking myself why I over- reacted and made such a fuss.  I’ve come to the conclusion that the pent up feelings I’d kept inside me for so long had suddenly spilled over. 

I haven’t had another episode of anger like that, thank goodness.  Instead a feeling of calm rather than stress descends when I am about to see my father, which has never happened before.  I have also been able to take a step back, see him for what he is  - an unpleasant, unfeeling individual - and he no longer makes me feel angry or down.   

Can you make any sense of this for me?

OUR COMMENTS:

Bad workmanship in your home prompted you to make a huge fuss which was out of character.  A similar outburst could equally have been triggered by an illness or accident.  It is understandable that the experience was unnerving and you want to know why it happened when it did. 

Perhaps you felt your personal space had not been treated with sufficient respect by the builders and this reminded you of the way your father has treated you.  Although your reaction may have been excessive it has certainly shifted something in you. Possibly for the first time in your life you recognised your feelings, stood your ground and refused to be treated badly. Being effective with builders has also helped you change your attitude to your father and keep a healthy distance from him. 

When we feel safe, which you obviously did in your own home, we can allow ourselves to be more assertive.  Parts of your outburst may have stayed in your mind to use when you felt badly treated by your father.  Some people even rehearse such comments in their head to use when appropriate with a horrid parent.  You have done well and there’s no need to worry that your behaviour will regularly repeat itself. 

When Your Horrid Parent Needs You

My father has been a spendthrift all his life, but when it comes to me he behaves like a miser.  

He left my mother when I was two and my brother four and rarely paid maintenance.  He saw us occasionally when he didn’t have anything else to do but never managed more than a card for our birthdays.  Nor did he give either of us a present when we got married, saying that he was ‘absolutely broke.’  Instead he relies on a practiced wink and a certain charm to win everyone round. 

For the last thirty years he’s lived abroad and been looked after by one young woman after another, but he’s getting on, has various health issues and none of them are now prepared to look after him for nothing. 

As a result he’s decided to return to the UK and has asked my brother and I to pay his fare, find him accommodation, fill it with furniture, get him a TV, computer and car and provide a weekly sum for ‘extras.’  I mentioned his pension but he dismissed that as being pennies. 

He, just like I’ve read about Meghan Markle’s father Thomas, believes we should keep him in the luxury he’d like to get used to.  What’s more he wants to live very close to me so he can come over most days explaining it would also be ‘easier’ for me to get his shopping and cook his meals. 

My brother and I are both work for charities so neither of us are rich.  I’ve told him I am prepared to help him a little.   I have also insisted on various boundaries including that he can only come over once a week.  He was shocked.  I know I am right but I feel both guilty and resentful. 

Please help. 

OUR COMMENTS:

Your father seems to wants to put himself at the centre of your life when he has never made you the centre of his.  This is a difficult situation to manage.  Adults choose whether or not to have children and children are not obliged to have any financial responsibility for them in return.  The more so when the parent has not provided for their child or managed their  own money sensibly.

 

 

In other words the relationship between parent and child is not a reciprocal one.  Parents should do their best for their children without expecting anything more than gratitude in return. In fact most reasonable parents prefer their children to focus on providing for their own offspring rather than them. 

You are obviously aware that your father is trying to take advantage of you and the boundaries you have set up make sense.  Managing your feelings of both guilt and resentment may seem hard at the moment, but if you give in to his demands your guilt will vanish as your resentment increases.

Try to make notes of why you have made your decisions about him and what you are prepared to do, for example phone or visit him on a regular if infrequent basis.  You could also share ideas on how to manage him with your brother. 

Flying Monkeys

My older brother has been criticizing me for everything and anything.  He is 12 years older than me and recently returned to the UK after living abroad for the last twenty years.  He should be pleased for us to meet up again and get to know me.  Instead he has been both nasty and threatening as if I have somehow wronged him.  In some ways he even reminds me of our father who was self important and unsympathetic.  Luckily for me I have a happy and peaceful life working for a charity I care about.

I talked about my brother’s behaviour to a close friend who told me he sounds like a ‘flying monkey’.   I had no idea what he was talking about but he explained my father was probably using him to make my life hell while not taking any responsibility for the insults.   It made sense as how else would he have such a long list of wrongdoing and failure on my part.  He doesn’t scare me so I asked him point blank if he was put up to being nasty by our father who I have very little to do with as he has got worse as he’s aged. His response was that I was talking utter rubbish.

My friend advised me not to challenge my brother but to remain calm and neutral in everything I said.  That way he hoped my brother would come to his senses and realise that I was okay and he was the one being used by my father.

Do you think I am doing the right thing?

The term ‘flying monkey’ is from the film Wizard of Oz where the Wicked Witch sent flying monkeys to capture Dorothy.  It has come to mean someone who carries out the work on behalf of a manipulative person.  Your brother’s denial that his behaviour had anything to do with your father is typical as is his assertion that you’re the one with a problem.

Your friend’s advice to stay calm, objective and neutral is good. However it is unlikely likely that your brother will realise that he is being used and ‘come to his senses’. He is an adult and has probably chosen to ally himself with your father, perhaps to protect himself. His disinclination to have a frank discussion with you about your father’s behaviour also suggests that he prefers the status quo. If you keep trying to persuade him that you are right it might make him dig his heels in even more  and possibly bring your father into the discussion. 

You have created both a satisfying peaceful life and managed to keep your father at a distance. You might need to do the same with your brother.

 

 

 

 

Caroline Quentin and Me.

I have read in the paper that the brilliant actor Caroline Quentin feels a fraud, doesn’t understand her success and said that when she was 16 she thought ‘it would be a miracle’ that she had earned her living acting.  I could hardly believe it because I feel the same about my career.

I have recently been made a QC and have been trembling with fear ever since that I may be found out.

My friends, colleagues and sibling are all delighted for me but my mother can’t believe it.  She’s even suggested that I double check there hasn’t been an error, adding that she knows the real me and frankly I am just not up to it. 

The trouble is I keep thinking that the powers that be may find out that she’s right and that I’m a fraud.  

Quentin had loving parents and said her mother taught her that “having a laugh with people is a lovely way to go through life”, but I know my issues goes back to my parents divorcing when I was ten and my mother resented having to look after me, the younger sibling, because it stopped her leading the life she wanted. As a result she  tried to undermine me.

Nonetheless I was always dutiful at school and did well in my exams.  I chose to do law at university because I believed in justice, which I felt I didn’t have at home, and wanted to speak out on behalf of others who had been wronged.

When I was called to the Bar I felt I had chosen the right career,  but that  I was stretching my very small amount of talent very thinly.  I worried about letting my defendants down and every time I won a case I believed I had somehow got away with it and pulled the wool over yet another person’s eyes.

In theory it’s about time I believed in myself but in practice a voice in my head tells me I will be found out.

Do you have any hints that would help?

 

Your description of yourself is known as ‘imposter phenomenon.’ It can come about when a parent criticises, shames or ignores their child which makes them instinctively try to find ways to seek approval and affection. For example by doing well at school.  Often there is a gap between what the child thinks about themselves and how their parent sees them, which makes them anxious. 

 

We suggest you try to ignore any inner voice that sounds like your mother and look more objectively at what you have achieved and how that fits in with the young girl learning in school. Did your reports refer to your hard work and intelligence?  Then think about whether your mother the only person who won’t see this?  If that is the case you should reject them straight away.   Perhaps she is so unfulfilled she is jealous of your success. 

It could also help to think about why you like doing being a barrister.   What gives you satisfaction and what are your motivations for taking on a case?  As regards the future you will inevitably lose some cases so prepare yourself to be objective and when it happens don’t let it reinforce your mother’s view. 

In Need of Care?

My very difficult mother is going to be 80 in a couple of months.  Overall she’s in reasonably good health but I’ve noticed she is getting rather forgetful.  Her fridge invariably contains out-of-date foods and recently she’s fallen over a few times.  

Luckily she hasn’t hurt herself badly but I feel it’s time to plan for her future care.  My two siblings live abroad and want very little contact with her.    She’s never cared for us as I believe a mother should but now she needs more help she is trying to be nice to me.  I know it’s an act not least because she can’t keep the façade up throughout a single visit.  She believes I should  make her my number one priority and become her carer which I am determined not to do.  I dislike her as much as my siblings do but I have more of a guilty conscience.  I live more than two hours drive away and have my own life.   Nor do I think it’s right for a woman who was horrid to all her children then expect them to come running when she’s needy. 

I’ve tried to discuss her future care several times, but she brushes it aside saying she is fine.  I’ve also spoken to her GP who said we both know what she is like, in other words she’s very determined and unlikely to change, which wasn’t very helpful.   Sheltered accommodation would be enough for now and I’ve offered to drive her round a few places but she won’t consider it.   Her behaviour is so unreasonable that I too am tempted to walk away. 

This is a very difficult situation for you to navigate.  Dealing with an ageing parent is hard enough even when they are much loved and much trickier if they are horrid.

Ultimately unless a person lacks capacity only they can make final decisions about their care, but can take advice from whoever they choose.  You are aware of her needs and have been looking at options.  She is aware she should get help but thinks that you should be he one providing it.  Until she understands that you won’t take on a caring role, she is unlikely to agree to any other options.  So this is your place to start.

We suggest that you first think through your own motivations so you can offer her options that are in her best interests and not influenced by any residue feelings you may have to get your own back for her general unkindness in the past.  It sounds as if so far you have managed, despite her behaviour, to be a dutiful enough daughter.  Do try to continue to be so. 

Then tell her as clearly as possible what you can and cannot do. If she doesn’t listen, you could get some brochures or visit some places and  put the options put in a letter adding that you are willing to action any of them when she is ready. Sometimes it takes an accident like a fall or illness for an older person to face their reality and start to accept professional help.

Most older people have a wide range of concerns about their diminishing faculties and may feel anxious, confused, angry and resentful about their future. You mother’s behaviour may well get worse but try not to take this personally.   Try instead to imagine her as a frail neighbour who needs some support.  This might help you distance yourself from her general unkindness.  Do think about offloading some of your frustrations to a friend and even your siblings and don’t feel guilty. You have shown your mother compassion and that you are also trying to help her as much as she will let you.

 

Empty Nest Syndrome

My father wanted a son and was very disappointed I was female. Unfortunately my mother couldn’t have any more children after me so his chance of having a boy in the family was lost.  It wasn’t my fault of course but he really rubbed it in from the start that I had let him down.  

As a result I was a very insecure child who felt inadequate and unlovable.

Moving on a couple of decades I have gradually built myself up,  found someone I trusted who cared about me and had two perfect children.  I adored them when they were tiny but as the years have gone by I have developed a latent fear that my children will find that out that I am not a good enough mother and want little or nothing to do with me.   I stopped speaking to my father shortly after my marriage so he has not had any input in their lives, which has baffled them.  

I managed to put a lid on my fears while they have been at home but my elder child will be going to university this autumn and while I am delighted for her I fear that once she leaves home and develops her own ways of doing things, she will discover all my failings.  Part of me sees this as the empty nest syndrome writ very large, but I don’t now how to handle it.  Should I try to fix dates for her to come home?  Leave her alone to make her own decisions?  Or assume the worst so that any small connection is a real treat? 

OUR SUGGESTIONS:

It’s not surprising that you fear what might happen when your daughter leaves home.  However the relationship you have with your daughter is very different to the one you had with your father.  He made you feel unloved and unloveable but you have done the opposite for your children.  As a result their perspective won’t be the same as yours. We all fail as parents but if we have done our best and shown our children love they will accept us and our imperfections.  

If you haven’t discussed your father with your children your older child leaving home might be a good time to do so.  It will also help them understand what you are worried about.

Depending on your daughter’s reaction you might feel able to talk through your anxieties with her.

It’s certainly a good idea to discuss what her views are on keeping in touch.  She doesn’t need to decide before she leaves, but it will be very helpful for her to know that she is always welcome to visit you and you’d equally enjoy going to see her.  Plus that she can text or phone at any time.  She may feel homesick and need some time to adjust, so knowing that you are there for her will be reassuring just when she needs it. 

 

Estrangement

Meghan Markle’s father Thomas, 73, is begging for his daughter to get in touch saying that he could die soon.

He claims that he has been shunned by the Palace since he sold staged pictures of himself to the paparazzi in the run up to the royal wedding.  He told a newspaper that he wants to put their differences behind them and is worried about her.  ‘I think she is terrified,’ he said.  ‘I see it in her eyes, I see it in her face and I see it in her smile….I know her smile..this is a pained smile…I think she’s under too much pressure.’  He has also publicly revealed what Prince Harry said to him in a private conversation.  

Meghan has been very close to her father and very much wanted him to walk her down the aisle.  Now he claims he has only heard from her just after the wedding and says significantly:  ‘I am her father and deserve some respect.’

Estrangement is a controversial issue and there were over 8,000 comments on line during just one day.  Here is a small selection.   

 ‘I don’t know why he keeps blabbing to the media if he wants to rebuild his connection with Meghan, but I feel sorry for him. Meghan should do the right thing and contact her father.  She is behaving appallingly to her dad who gave her everything and helped get her where she is today.’

‘This is the man who sacrificed to pay for his daughter's private education.  He played a huge role in making her what she is today, a refined, well educated woman. He may be a socially awkward hermit but he still deserves some respect from his daughter and son-in-law.’ 

‘He needs to shut up.  He is nothing but an embarrassment to himself, his daughter and the Royal Family and he just doesn't "get it" the more he blabs to the press the less likely she will contact him.’

‘There is a strong stigma around parental estrangement but if a child has made that decision they have already been pushed to their limit. They have been forced to draw boundaries with a toxic parent who has failed to provide emotional, psychological and/or physical care. A child should not have to get anyone else's approval to set the boundaries they need to thrive, be emotionally healthy and live their life.’

Please let us know your views on Facebook or on our Forum reached via www.myhorridparent.com

Forgiveness

When I was in my thirties I decided to cut off all ties with my mother.  She was so determined to undermine me that she regularly criticised me in front of my children.  It was her way to set them against me and sabotage my happy family.  Fortunately  we are very close and they became so upset by her behaviour that I felt I  had to break away.

Our lives were much more peaceful without her and through the positive and supportive love of my husband and children I managed to regain much of the confidence I lost when I was young.  Twelve years on and I have heard from an aunt that my mother has had a stroke and is at the moment paralysed down one side of her body.  My aunt wants me to forgive my mother, as does my husband and think I should visit her.  I am completely torn.   I am sorry she is suffering.  Unlike her I don’t wish anyone to be ill, but I feel sure that if I get back in touch she will find a way to blame me for her stroke and that her nastiness and outrageous demands will start all over again.   It will also bring back so many painful memories of my childhood.   Yet it is difficult for me to do nothing. I am also concerned that if I don’t do something I may regret it once she’s gone and I don’t want to live with a guilty conscience.

We understand you don’t want to get back in touch with your mother because she will probably start being unkind to you again but before you make a final decision we believe you should ask yourself whether her stroke is a good time to forgive her even if she doesn’t change the way she behaves.

Forgiveness is a complex issue. Most people are prepared to forgive if the other person admits they were wrong and have tried to make amends.  Others feel the whole concept of forgiveness means condoning the other person’s bad behaviour and don’t want to offer an olive branch.

It might help you come to a decision if you could see forgiveness as a way of accepting your mother’s bad behaviour but also offers chance to move on regardless of how she behaves.   It could help stop you hoping that your mother will admit her failings, something she is very unlikely to do.  We are not, however, suggesting you should forget what has happened.  

Be the good daughter and visit her.  If you do, one way of keeping an emotional distance is to think of her as a frail elderly neighbour.  You should also prepare yourself in advance for her inevitable horrid comments.

A people pleaser

On the whole I think I have done rather well getting over my manipulative and permanently critical mother.

I have a good marriage, two special teenagers and friends who care about me.  I’ve made a career in marketing and am currently working for a small company where I enjoy being one of the team. 

But, and it’s quite a big but there are still things left over from my childhood that I can’t quite master.   For example I sometimes wake up at night really anxious that  problems my close friends have might somehow be my fault and feel guilty that I can’t make whatever it is better for them.  It’s even worse if my husband has a bad day or week at work.  He’s quite a high powered lawyer and of course some cases are particularly difficult.  Nor can he win them all.  When he’s down I actually feel a pain in my chest that this too might be my fault.   

Overall I try my best to please everyone, which at times is exhausting.  For example one of my teenagers is vegan, the other loves fish, while my husband is a solid meat and two veg man.  Sometimes I make three different dinners to keep them all happy.  My husband often tells me I am too easy on  our son and daughter,  but I am just the same with him because I go along with plans I am not very keen on.  

One reason is because I hate arguments.  There were so many when I lived with my parents.  I remember trembling with both fear and anger not least because I wasn’t allowed to express myself. 

I am able to say what I think at work, because I am confident in my skills and also keep part of me back.  It’s different with my family.  They mean so much to me that I try never to reveal that I have been hurt or annoyed them.  I  dare not risk rejection.   

I’d be grateful for any tips. 

Our view:

You have coped very well to have both a career and a family and  interesting that you have freed yourself to speak out at work. Perhaps you can think about how and why you have been able to do this. If you fear rejection at home that’s where you should start.

 

  You have created a close and loving family so it is unlikely that they will turn on you just because you stand up for yourself.  It is important to be genuine in a family and this means revealing your thoughts and feelings. Unlike your past experiences at home with your parents you may well find that your own family will not be angry or feel threatened if you stand your ground. Your anxiety about doing so stems from your parents,  It is understandable but also irrational.  It may be a good time to challenge some of  your fears and feelings of responsibility.  Take it slowly and try to tackle one thing at a time.

To Trust or Not to Trust

My wife has just had our first baby and I am not sure what to do.  Part of me is overwhelmed with love for our tiny boy but another part is tremendously anxious.  It might sound crazy but I worry about opening up to my emotions and loving him too much. 

How will I cope if, when he’s older, he lets me down?

As far back as I can remember I have never totally trusted anyone.  I am almost always on a low level alert, which shoots up to red alert at the least provocation.   I realise it is a form of self protection, which was how I  coped with my late father.  He was always letting me down and going against his word across many different areas. From offering to take me to a football match but then being too busy or helping me buy my first car,  when he claimed he was short of money.

For years the only person I relied on was myself.  I was very cautious with friends and even more so when dating girls.  I never thought I would get married because I never wanted to reveal my true feelings and needs in case I got hurt.  But then I met my current wife at work.  We slowly became friends and over time I felt increasingly comfortable with her. 

We may not be an outwardly passionate pair but we are the best of friends which is more than I ever imagined.  But having our baby is a totally different experience and I  am slightly panicking about how I feel and what I should do.   Can I get over my past and or will it haunt me for ever?

OUR COMMENT

It is natural to feel anxious about being a new dad, but your role now is to protect and cherish your baby.  The more you make him feel loved and accepted the less likely he is to let you down in the future.  We suggest you follow your behaviour when you met your wife. Give yourself time to slowly and gently get used to each other.  Trust your instincts and  enjoy learning about him.  You can also let your wife guide you.

Don’t forget that no one is perfect and that it is normal to feel a degree of disappointment especially when your child becomes a teenager.  But that is not the same as lacking trust.   

Your own father has died and can no longer hurt you.  Becoming a father yourself is your chance to accept what happened to you in the past, move on and build a fulfilling life.    

 

An Arrogant Mother

My mother is an incredible snob and the most arrogant person I know.  Despite not being  particularly well off  she thinks of herself as the ‘lady of the manor,’  and better than anyone we  know.  She has also been hugely critical of every friend of mine she’s met.

I remember a boyfriend I had when I was nineteen who was clever and funny but not particularly good looking.   My mother totally rubbished him telling me he had horrible thin lips which meant he was both ugly and nasty.   She falls out with her friends too for the most superficial reasons: like shopping at the ‘wrong’ supermarket, buying the occasional outfit from a charity shop and liking baked beans on toast.  

As for me, I am constantly bombarded with nonsense about what the right way to behave and that the reason I am still single in my thirties is because I don’t wear nail varnish on my fingernails.  ‘Men don’t like women who are unkempt’ she told me. 

I have no idea what makes her like this. Sometimes when I see her strut about like a male peacock, I have to stop myself from laughing.  It’s all so terribly phony.  Do you think it’s a front because she is so insecure inside?

 

Our comment

It sounds like you understand your mother and recognise that her pretentiousness conceals deep feelings of insecurity. It is possible that she is so ashamed of who she really is that she goes to great lengths to hide it.  Considering herself to be above others may be one way she gains some confidence. Finding her behaviour amusing is one way to help yourself cope with her as there is nothing you can do to change her.  Nonetheless be aware of her attempts to belittle and criticise you and stay true to your own desire to be authentic.